Welcome -- this is the real deal! Accept no substitutes!
Hope you had a good weekend - time to play!!
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's
time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
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Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he
says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up
a
conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says
to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of
heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks,
his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more
careful? I have six children at home."
"Scheesh lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids and ya got
the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
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A poll says seven out of ten Americans are worried about the
federal deficit. The other three are more concerned about
being deported back to Mexico.
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A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension
in his household and was trying to figure out just
what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to
mention to him that: "You know, quite often God
speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind of funny and said,
"Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
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In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said she believed in Santa
Claus until she was 17.
Then someone told Paris that wasn't Santa who kept walking up to her shouting,
'Ho.'"
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While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride
discovered a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his
pocket "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in,
I start vibrating!"
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A boy and his chick are walking in the evening. Getting dark. He walks
her home and just in front of her door he feels an urgent need to take
a crap, so when she flirtatiously invites him in for a cup of coffee he
willingly agrees, hoping to use her bathroom.
She opens the door, he rushes to the toilet, but she holds him back
saying she needs to powder her nose first and offers him to go to the
living room, watch TV and make himself comfortable.
He enters the room, the crap already coming out, and sees a big shaggy
dog sitting on the carpet.
OK, he thinks, pulls the pants down and makes a huge steaming pile
right in front of the dog, as if it did it. Then hitches up the pants
and goes to the kitchen, smug and self-satisfied.
She goes out and asks why he is not in the room.
He answers, your huge dog is so scary, I decided to wait in the kitchen.
Oh! Come on, she says, its just a plush toy.
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The Humor of Jack Handy
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
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According to an article in the Science section of the
New York Times, a study published in The Journal of
Reproductive Medicine in 2001 claims to have found
that women undergoing in vitro fertilization doubled
their chances of becoming pregnant when Christian
groups prayed for them.
One wonders if this works in reverse, as well.
With Saturday being a "date night," perhaps that's why
so many people end up in church praying every Sunday morning.
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Met an old buddy yesterday -- asked him if Santa treated him well.
He replied, "Same as last year. I got a pair of socks and a piece of ass,
and both were too big"
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Best excuse for getting out of a speeding ticket...
"My wife is going to have a baby and I want to be
there when she gets pregnant."
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive
salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I
credit that
approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained
to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little
Johnny
walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's
desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth
brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand.
I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing,
'Hey, this tastes like shit!' Then I would say......'It is shit! Wanna buy a
toothbrush?'"
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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to
concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and
relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy
himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the
youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and
calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the
game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took
Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned
back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game
resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and
the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in
the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off.
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What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.
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One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do
white babies come from?"
His mother answered "The stork."
Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from?
"His mother replied, "Ravens."
Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?"
And his mother said, "Swallows."
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It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical
school, have come up with the first marijuana-based medical suppository.
The only drawback so far is that approximately ten minutes
after insertion, you have an overpowering urge to shove a
Twinkie up your ass.
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Witch's Brew
2 oz Yellow Chartreuse
1 1/2 oz Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Brandy spiced
1/4 tsp ground Cloves
1 dash Nutmeg
1 dash Allspice
Shake all the ingrediants together
and serve in a chilled glass.
Windy Beach
2 oz white Creme de Cacao
1 oz Spiced Rum (Captain Morgan's)
1/2 cup Milk
1/2 cup Orange juice
1 splash Lime juice
Ice
Mix all ingredients in a blender until
smooth. Makes 2 servings.
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In a physics lab course, which involved light,
electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the
course was to read the week's experiment before coming
to class...
At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how
many people had actually done so:
"What are the two types of light?" he asked.
The lab fell silent until one wise young man raised
his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Bud?"
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The worst thing about getting your penis caught in the bicycle
chain isn't the overwhelming pain, but that long, sickening moment,
when you're stuck there in that awkward position, and you suddenly
realize that you're going to have to describe the entire event on
an insurance claim form.
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Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend
arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became
separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final
rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'
They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to
what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which
path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook
hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks.
Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub
fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut,
bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.
Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone
around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car
engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of
what
looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see
who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could
ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the
car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him,
'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out
of me!"
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A sailor was shipwrecked and marooned
Along the Spanish Main,
Many a month he hung on
Not sure if he'd see home again.
After a year of dining on fish
His legs were thin and bandy,
He could eat a horse for a second course
And what's more he felt randy.
Then in the woods he spied a pig
And thought that would be nice,
He set traps nine and caught the swine
But lust rose in his eyes.
Being bereft of sex for so long
The sailor had flipped his wig,
And what no one saw, no one could think wrong
So he thought he'd try the pig.
Stealing up behind the beast
He was truly crackers,
And just as he expected it least
It kicked him in the kneecap.
Several times he tried this trick
But the pig's aim was ever true,
The sailor was getting a bend in his dick
And his balls were black and blue.
Despondent he staggered along the beach
And there to his surprise,
He found washed up a fair young peach
Half naked with death in her eyes.
He dragged her up to soft dry sand
And gave the kiss of life,
Coming around she gave her hand
And offered to act like a wife.
"You've freed me of life's jailer,
I'll do anything, you dig?"
"Right" said the half mad sailor
"Come and hold the back legs on this pig!"
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Kamasutra Kamikaze:
Definition: Willing to try every position in one
night or die trying.
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Men Over 50
* Men over 50 don't need reassurance. They often need Depends.
* Men over 50 are sure of themselves.
It's their bodies that have serious doubts.
* Men over 50 are delighted to be seen with women in their 30s.
Unless the women are wearing badges and uniforms, and
have just slapped cuffs on you.
* Men over 50 no longer fight at the drop of a hat.
They've learned it's hard enough to hit a toilet, much
less an agile younger fellow who is kicking their butt.
* Men over 50 have seen it all.
They ate and drank a lot of it, as their expanding waistlines prove.
* Men over 50 are sometimes tougher than nails.
Bent nails, Rusty Nails, Toe Nails.
* Men over 50 like fast cars and loose women.
What they actually have are loose cars and bad
memories of fast women.
* Men over 50 like sizzling steaks and smooth whiskey.
They usually need bran muffins and liquid fiber.
* Men over 50 like to sink their teeth in a challenge.
Frequently, though, they are challenged to find their
teeth in the sink.
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A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young
minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations
for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give
what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys,
two girls, or one of each."
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There was an Englishman who had been visiting the US and was on
his way back to England via a cruise ship.
While sitting in a deck chair, he stopped the steward and said,
"I've been to America but I didn't get to hear any American jokes.
And I'd love to be able to tell on to the boys at my club. Can you
help me?"
The steward said, "OK. There was a young lady walking down
a country land and she came to a crossroads. There were three
men approaching from each of the other three directions. One was
walking, one was riding a horse, and the other was in a car. Now,
which one knew her?"
"Beats me," said the Englishman.
"The horse manure," answered the steward.
The Englishman laughed and said "Ripping good old boy."
When he got back to his club he related the joke to his buddies.
I heard this great American joke. It seems that there was a lass
in the country standing at a crossroads. Approaching her were a
pedestrian, an equestrian, and a motorist. Now, which one knew her?
The other chaps admitted ignorance.
So the Englishman proceeded: The answer's "horse shit," but I have
no idea why!
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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return.
He had reported a
net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said "I work like a dog,
everyone in my
family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you
want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions.
You listed six trips
to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was
climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin."
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Some women are terribly hard to please . . . the rest are impossible!
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It is no secret that organized crime in America takes
in over forty billion dollars a year.
This is quite a profitable sum especially when one
considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
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An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone,
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and
take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
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A guy gets married and for the first year he never leaves his wife alone.
Every day, morning noon and night, he is at it
His wife is a little pissed off about this so she
goes to her mother and says, "Mom, he won't leave
me alone, every day, 4-5 times a day, he's like a rabbit."
Her mother tells her to go to the fishmongers and
get a fish and put it up her pussy.
That night the husband comes home and drags her upstairs,
rips of her clothes and
proceeds to make love to her. On entry he screams and pulls out.
He is bleeding and covered
in scratches, so for the next year he does not even look at his wife.
She, beginning to feel a little randy after this
long lay off, again approaches her mother and
asks for advice. Her mother tells her to wait until he is in bed and then
show him what he is missing.
That night he is lying in bed and she strips and
climbs onto the bed. She then steps over him,
but just as her ass is passing his face, she farts.
The guy looks up and says, "Bark you bastard, but
you won't bite me again!"
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