*********
It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb
or leading questions at members of the Bush administration.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed
so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi
reporter.
According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell,
"Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But
unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."
Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when
suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam
tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig
what happened."
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his
clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What appen to you?" He asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their
19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God! What did you
tell dem?" asked President Hussein.
The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I
have just killed the pig."
****************************************
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
****************************************
The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Brevard, Broward, Hillsborough, Pinellas, Orange, Osceola,
Polk, Palm Beach and Sarasota Counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also
advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large
adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain
fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator' droppings have little
bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
*************************************
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night,
she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time
and you bery frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting you want. What you want?"
"I want numma 69" she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You want..., Beef with Broccoli?"
*********************************
Resume:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned---
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up
to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
You got any ideas? I'm open for suggestions .........maybe you have
something that WORKS..........because I don't.
***************************************************
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your fucking cat."
********************************************
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I
neeed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull
that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
****************************************
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane
crashed into a cemetery this morning. Polish search and rescue workers have
recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the
digging continues into the night.
*********************
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the
farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not
amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she
slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the
following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his
gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how
to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see
him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
******************************
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to
the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home,
he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found
themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to
ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did
it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in
my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with
his hands in the air!"
***************************************
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged
chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was
driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he
thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did
too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up
again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway
leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a
man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called
out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living
here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two
legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our
favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
******************************************
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court yells, "You bastard!"
The judge glares and then continues, "You are also charged with beating
your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court shouts, "You bastard!"
The judge angrily addresses the voice and says, "Now, we cannot have any
more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt. What is
the problem anyway?"
The man at the back of the court who's been shouting calls out, "Fifteen
years I lived next door to that bastard and, every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one! ..."
***************************************************
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears
that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you
stopped laughing.
**************************************
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused
George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck
parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and
left it there all night
****************************************
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and.
. . OH MY GOD!"...
Silence followed...
Then after a few seconds, the Captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while I
was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and
spilled it in my lap. He chuckled and said, "You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled loudly, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
****************************
Higher gasoline prices caused by the shortage of oil. The less oil we have,
the higher the price at the pump. There are a lot of folks that can't
understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer:
It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. We didn't know we were
getting low! The reason for that is obviously geographical, all the oil is in
Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.!!!
************************************
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by
a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that
he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside
and showed her a passage which read, "...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the
way to Bethlehem."
*****************************
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in
his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you
suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out
and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped
her, too. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the
eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
************************************
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to
Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well
endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new
territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The
first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like
three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and
fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So,
of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he
continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly
gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
*********************************
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all
of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that
will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent E-mails.
They sent out E-mails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some
genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes
before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and
each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically
and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How
did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
new
shirt . My wife started to
berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up
with a lot of her blood on my white shirt as well. I tried to get the stain out
using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip
out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all
of the stains came out!! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were
negative!! I thank you once again for a great product.